A teenage girl with low self-esteem and who is constantly bullied in school is invited to youth group full of friendly and accepting people her own age, ran by adults who actually listen to her. She dismisses her family’s opinion that this might not be healthy and her life soon becomes completely wrapped up with this group. After all, these people love her. They care about her. They are also religious zealots. She converts to their religion.

She accepts the leadership of this group, believing them when they say they are doing God’s will and know better than she does since she is still a “baby Christian.” She eventually starts asking questions.  She disagrees with the pastor. She is told she is not in God’s will. She is put down constantly, told that her questions are wrong, that she has a “spirit of rebellion,” and that she needs to seek God more, under these pastors, in order to get rid of it. She believes them. They love her. Why would they lie to her?

She’s conflicted. Everything inside of her is screaming that this is wrong. She doesn’t deserve to be treated like this. She feels like shit. She doesn’t know what to do. Her entire life is wrapped up in this church. Leaving it would be leaving everything she has known for her entire young adult life.

Seven years later, she leaves, finally and officially, after receiving a number of mean, dark messages from the head pastor after she dared to sit in the back of the church when she was visiting on a college break.

Sounds kind of like Sean in that episode of Boy Meets World, right? (Actually, I’ve been watching this clip over again since I started writing this and I’m really creeped out by how much of my youth group I see in the group on BMW.  They’re totally lacking the human videos, though. And I could have really used a Mr. Turner in my life.)

I was a member of a Christian cult from the time I was 17 until I was 24. I need to get this all out of me before I explode. I talk about it a lot on Facebook and with my friends, but I’ve never really sat down and laid out exactly what happened. This blog has been sitting here with nothing on it for awhile. No better place, right?

Part one soon.

2. Don’t play your ringtones in the cafeteria. No one wants to hear them and certainly no one will want to be your friend if you keep it up.

3. It’s okay not to be in a romantic relationship, especially freshman year. You also don’t need to be engaged by graduation. Marriage is a serious thing. Don’t just rush into it because you feel like you’re getting old and need to get married soon. It’s okay to be choosy, even if it means waiting until you’re 40.

4. Question everything your parents and church taught you growing up. Question everything your professors teach you. Question everything your friends try to convince you of. This is the only way to know what you truly believe.

5. You can miss 14 days of freshman biology (if you’re taking the MWF class). Use them to your advantage.

6. Don’t expect to stay friends with the same people all four years. It rarely happens. Hell, don’t expect to stay friends with the same people for one year. People leave. People change. People die. It’s a fact of life.

7. Learn to be creative in the cafeteria. The sandwich press thing can be used to grill just about anything on the salad bar. Use that to your advantage.

8. The Max is not a place to do your weave, so don’t. And if you choose to do so, don’t leave clumps of hair everywhere. It’s disgusting.

9. Jackson 3rd Left short hall has the best showers, but living on that hall will make you antisocial.

10. It is okay to doubt God. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

11. Learn to love yourself regardless of your shortcomings. You don’t need to point them out to yourself, there will always be people around to do that for you.

12. Ignore those people.

13. Community service is more rewarding than Convocation.

14. If you can’t find something in the library, Austina Jordan can. She’s magic.

15. You don’t get a free tshirt just by joining an intramural team. Don’t bother if that’s all you want. They’ll never stop emailing you about going to games.

16. If you want to learn what it means to love like Christ, watch Pastor Tracy. Take notes. He is the best example of what it means to “be Jesus to people” that I have ever seen.

17. Be ridiculously late for curfew once. Sneak out after curfew once. Slide down the quad after a hard rain once. Stay on campus for a break once.

18. Don’t go to the pool when the baseball team is practicing. Sure, they can’t hit balls like that when they actually play games, but they will knock a million into the pool when they practice.

19. If you’re doing laundry and someone has clothes in a dryer you need, take the clothes out and fold them. Don’t just throw them on the floor or on the table in a big pile. I used to do that until someone did it to me. It’s not fun to clean up and it wrinkles everything. Be a good neighbor.

20. Quad fishing is not a good way to meet your future spouse. Don’t do it. People will just make fun of you. Also, the “I just like to play, man.” excuse doesn’t work on anyone who’s been here for more than a year.

21. Make a tradition with your friends and do it as much as possible. Brittani and I started post-dinner, it evolved into what we have now as “family dinner.” It’s the best part of the day.

22. If you have an issue with someone, make sure they know it. Don’t just whisper about it or make thinly veiled statuses about it.

23. Make friends with people outside of your denomination/social circle. They won’t bite.

24. Clean up after yourselves. The cleaning lady is not your mother.

25. Don’t hold grudges. Don’t completely dismiss someone based on first impressions. You’ll kick yourself later when you realize that you really like the person and end up friends with them.

I’ve been debating what, if anything, to give up for the Lenten season. I decided on fast food, solely because I’ve gained ten pounds since Thanksgiving and have spent over half of my refund check on food in the past two weeks. The more I think about it, though, the more I feel odd giving something up. For one, it’s not really a “rule” that one must give up something, and two.. I’m not really Catholic. I don’t go to Mass regularly. I’m adamantly pro-life, pro-gay rights, pro-everything-conservatives-are-generally-against. I don’t really pray or have any certainty about the existence of God. So, what’s a pseudo-Catholic/Agnostic to do?

I’m not giving up anything. I’m adding something. I have roughly ten books that I’ve bought since Christmas break relating to God or the Church in some way. I’ve only begun to read two and I’m only close to completing one of them. For Lent, and possibly for the rest of the semester, I’m going to take an hour or two before bed each night to read one of these books. I’m currently still reading Girl Meets God by Lauren Winner and I’m about 1/4 the way through Follow Me To Freedom by Shane Claiborne. Starting tomorrow (if I remember), I’m going to post reflections (I hate that term) on what I’ve read before going to bed. (Honestly, I know I won’t do this on a daily basis and that’s okay because I only have one reader. ha.)

I still don’t know what I believe, other than I have hope. Awhile ago, I changed my Facebook religious status to “Hopeful Skeptic”  after reading Nick Fiedler’s blog. Since then, I’ve had a couple interesting responses to it, one of which was a person completely discounting my thoughts on absolutely everything, especially in regards to Christianity. I found it amusing.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I love Jesus’ teachings, but not so much his Church’s teachings, which seem to rarely coincide with one another. I’ve found that the majority of my problem with Christianity and God comes from observing the people who claim to love and follow this religion and that Being, but don’t put their faith into action (save to declare that so-and-so’s cancer is gone or that-guy’s girl problems will go away “in the name of Jesus”).

I recently received a dvd sampler of Donald Miller’s new small group series. He has an interview with Lauren Winner (one of my new favorite authors) who talks about growing up Jewish and her conversion to Christianity. She makes a note along the lines of Christianity is about knowing what you believe while Judaism is about doing what you believe. In Judaism, your faithfulness is shown by how you keep God’s commands, while in Christianity, it’s more of a matter of you saying “I believe” while not having to put anything into practice. I don’t know how many times I’ve expressed my frustration with Christian leaders who are frankly just not good people only to be met with the explanation “Well, all fall short. No one’s perfect.” I think this is such a cop-out answer. If you’re claiming to follow a man who taught his followers to love their neighbors as well as their enemies, how do you find room to do anything except that? How can a Christian be a pastor who likes to spend his time sitting around making fun of others or a worship leader who gives his friends preferential treatment when it comes to being in the worship band?

My other issue, I’ve realized, is that I can’t get behind Western Christianity as a movement because it’s so far from what it started out to be. One of the books I’m reading right now is Lauren Winner’s Girl Meets God. In the first chapter, she talks about how she never liked Messianic Jews. Her friend Stephen tells her, “I like it here [at a Messianic church] because these people are pariahs. They don’t fit in anywhere — not with Jews, not with Christians. Being a Christian means being a pariah, Lauren, it means not fitting in anywhere in this world. Your Episcopalians are no pariahs.” Any denominational name can be put in for Episcopalians. Honestly, I never had an issue with the Church until I started going to a Pentecostal college. I can’t blame all of my problems on the people here, as much as I want to. I think that, like everyone, the people who have made me re-think the whole Christianity thing are just products of their environment, both family and church. I can’t fault them for the way they were raised. I just wish more people were open to questioning the things they’ve been taught to believe.

I still doubt the existence of God on a daily basis, which I’ve realized is not a bad thing, no matter how much my former church(es) would have told me otherwise. I’ve said it many times, and I’ll say it again: I might not know what I believe about the existence of God, but it’s hard to get past how much goodness is in Jesus’ teachings. There’s something about them (and him) that I just can’t give up on like I want to. I still have specific questions I’m trying to find answers to, like “What’s the point of prayer?” and “How can people be so sure of what they believe?” Maybe I’ll find out one day.

Since I wrote my first entry, I’ve been actively seeking out what I believe. I’ve been reading a lot of conversion stories (Again, I need to plug Lauren Winner. If you haven’t picked up her book, you really, really should.) and de-conversion stories, lots of early church accounts, and I’ve started going back through Scripture, which is something I haven’t done in a long time.

I’m hopeful that there is a God, particularly one that loves me and everyone else, despite how terrible or how good we are. I’m hopeful that I will learn to love the people who frustrate me, just as I love those who don’t. I’m hopeful that one day I’ll get an answer to all of my questions, whether in this life or the next.

I don’t believe that Jesus’ family was rich in any way. Leviticus 12 talks about the ways a woman can be made pure after childbirth. Verse 8 states:
“If she cannot afford a lamb, she is to bring two doves or two young pigeons, one for a burnt offering and the other for a sin offering. In this way the priest will make atonement for her and she will be clean.”
Fast forward hundreds of years (and about a thousand pages) to Luke 2:24 where Mary and Joseph bring Jesus to the temple for presentation “and to offer a sacrifice in keeping with what is said in the Law of the Lord: ‘a pair of doves or two young pigeons.‘”
If Mary and Joseph would have had the money, they would have bought a lamb for the sacrifice and not the bird sacrifice God allowed the poor to make.

The social status of Jesus’ family is not nearly as important as the lives of both adult-Jesus and of his followers. The easiest reference to this to make is to the Rich Young Ruler, where Jesus tells the man that in order to follow him, he will have to give away his possessions and give his money to the poor. This is generally interpreted that Jesus was talking specifically to him and that it was simply a heart matter. There’s this great quote about this by Rich Mullins that Shane Claiborne has in his book The Irresistible Revolution that says:
“You guys are all into that born again thing, which is great. We do need to be born again, since Jesus said that to a guy named Nicodemus. But if you tell me I have to be born again to enter the kingdom of God, I can tell you that you just have to sell everything you have and give it to the poor, because Jesus said that to one guy too…But I guess that’s why God invented highlighters, so we can highlight the parts we like and ignore the rest.”

However, something that many believers overlook, is when Jesus tells all of his disciples to not worry about where they’re going to get their next meals or where they’re going to stay, but to sell their possessions and give to the poor and follow God anyway. (Luke 12:33 – paraphrase). Even my study bible has a note saying basically “Well, Jesus didn’t really mean this.” I disagree. If Jesus didn’t mean these things, why would the entire original Church live on basically nothing so that everyone could have what they needed? How can anyone truly learn to rely on God for their daily bread when have more food in their fridge today than some African families will see in a year?

One of the things my above mentioned friend talked about in his status was the prosperity gospel in Africa, where he is currently a missionary. Bringing the message that, if you have enough faith, God will provide you many material riches as a reward is dangerous to a culture made up of individuals that live on less than a dollar a day. What exactly is that saying to these people? The people of the African Church are notorious for having extraordinary faith in Jesus while the American Church is known for lukewarm and shallow worship. According to this “gospel,” those who have lots are in God’s favor while those who have nothing lack faith. Again, I ask, what kind of message is this? Where is the “good news?” This can’t continue.

Another quote (I’m a fan of them, obviously) This one’s from Ron Sider, from his book Rich Christians in an Age of Hunger:

“We insist on more and more, and reason that if Jesus was so un-American that he considered riches dangerous, then we must ignore or reinterpret his message” (93).

Again, this can’t keep going on. I know I’m not alone with my frustration about this movement. A lot of people want to talk about change, but no one wants to change anything. I’ve come up with a few ideas (with help from a few sources) on how we can change our views of the riches we do have and how we can help those who have nothing:

1. Refuse to keep up with fashion. It’s ridiculous to think we need to buy hundreds (if not thousands) of dollars worth of new clothes every time a new fad comes out.
2. Resist buying things just because we can afford them.
3. Lower energy consumption.
4. Stop driving everywhere. Ride a bike or walk.
5. Find free events to go to and stop wasting money on $9 movie tickets and $4 lattes.
6. Sell your possessions and give your money to the poor.

First, Abercrombie and Fitch, we’re going to have to do something about that stench of yours. Between us and you, I think we have the more pleasant smell. I understand that you have rules about how much cologne is to be sprayed so that the people outside of the mall can smell it. That’s fine. You’re just doing your job. However, I don’t know if you know this, but you’re not making any friends that way. Many customers have commented on the smell of “16 year old whores” and “rich kids wearing plaid” among other things. I hope you know that while no one has anything against you all personally, no one outside of the white upper-middle class 15-23 demographic you serve takes you all that seriously.

Secondly, our pungent neighbor to the left, let’s talk about your music. Frankly, I don’t know how anyone works there, inside your cave of polos, plaid, and perfume. From my counting, you have maybe six or seven songs on repeat, songs that were never meant to be made into all-female dance remixes. Nevertheless, you’ve made every song into an all-female dance remix. Why is this, Abercrombie? Do you know, Fitch? Do your customers really enjoy hearing “How To Save A Life: The Dance Megamix?” What research methods did you use to come up with this idea? I will also have you know that no matter how many times your Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey posers tell me otherwise, I no longer think that there will be miracles if I believe. While they say that hope may be frail but it’s hard to kill, you have killed all hope in me, Abercrombie and Fitch. Did you know that? The miracle I would like to achieve is forcefully going into your back room, ripping down whatever device you have that plays music, smashing it to bits, and pouring coffee on it, knocking out anyone who got in my way. However, I believe in non-violence, so I will not do this. My only request is that you turn down your music. We, along with Hickory Farms, Tupperware, See’s, and the other kiosks would really appreciate it.

Thirdly, turn your lights on. Did your mothers never tell you that you’ll go blind like that? How do you expect people to be able to see if your clothes actually look like something they would like to buy with that kind of lighting? Silly heads.

I have no other issues with you, Abercrombie and Fitch. Please don’t think I hate you, because I really don’t. If I had the money and about 100lbs less, I would shop at your store. I would just appreciate that same concern for your fellow mallworker that I give to you when you need your grande caramel macchiato right away (also, I would like to note that we aren’t Starbucks and don’t have that size or that drink, but I’ll make you one that tastes even better anyway with no fuss. Why? Because I like you.) I hope to see some improvements soon as I will be there nearly every day of my Christmas break. I look forward to serving you all soon, despite being able to smell your cologne over the coffee and having to hear what sounds like an awful candy rave for seven hours a day.

Your humble coffee girl,
Sierra

Recently, I mentioned my disbelief on Facebook and a woman from my church at home said the following:

“Are you serious? What does that even mean? I thought you were going to a Christian college.”

My former pastor said something similar as he was attacking me and kicking me out of church over the summer. I guess I can see how it would be shocking that a student at a Christian college would question the existence of God (A student at the school actually told me that “people like me” shouldn’t even go here.), but I’ve seen it happen to almost every single one of my friends at one point or another. I used to get really upset when any of my friends were questioning their beliefs. I thought it was sin to doubt God and spent a lot of time praying that they would stop questioning. The best part: ever since bible college, I’ve had this deep feeling of doubt that I kept hidden from everyone I ever talked to about God.

I had to take a class at Central called Theology of Christian Living. In one of the books for the class, the author started each chapter with a quote. One of the chapters began with a quote that said something along the lines of, “Deep in their hearts, every Christian thinks their beliefs are a lie.” I didn’t tell anyone at the time, but that quote hit home. I’ve slowly begun accepting the fact that I don’t know if I fully believe in God since then.

I’ve been reading David Dark’s The Sacredness of Questioning Everything. A few issues ago, Relevant Magazine published one of his articles about how, when you get down to it, everyone is an agnostic. Even the most devoted Christian doesn’t know 100% for sure that their beliefs are true. No one can know “without a shadow of a doubt” that God exists and they’re ‘saved’ until they die. I read this article at the highest point of my agnosticism.

Right after reading this article, I had a discussion with a good friend about how I was feeling about God, church, and religion in general. I told him I didn’t know if I believed in God. He asked which God did I not believe in. I don’t know if I ever told him, but that changed my perspective on this whole “soul search.”

A lot of people have told me that it’s not okay to ever doubt God. I don’t buy this. There are so many places in scripture where the writer is having doubts. The psalms are full of references to “God, why are you forsaking me? Where are you?” I see doubt as a very natural response the human mind has to the infinite. For the life of me, I cannot figure out why people consider it to be such a bad thing. Somewhere or another (it’s been a long time since I’ve read the bible), God states that we have to seek him in order to find him. As far as I know, seeking doesn’t involve passively saying “Okay, I believe because I’m supposed to,” but involves painstakingly searching for something. I can’t recall anywhere in scripture where blind faith is an ideal. Faith takes some sort of evidence, even if just a little. I have faith my money will still be in the bank tomorrow because I’ve never had an issue with it not being there before.

I wish I had the faith some people do. I wish my mind worked in a way that I could accept things and not have to analyze and analyze and analyze, but that’s not how I was made. I resonate fully with the man who exclaims in Mark 9:24, “Help me overcome my unbelief!”

I don’t know if I believe in God anymore, but if Christianity is correct, after all this searching I’ve been doing, I’m heading for a pretty hard collision with him soon. (I just hope it doesn’t involve having to like Hillsong.)

Yes, I understand that we must be relevant in order to reach the unchurched world, but why does this mean that we need to make sub-par imitations of so-called “worldly” things?   Is there really a necessity for t-shirts with a “Jesusified” John Deere logo on it?  I’ve heard it said that these are great witnessing tools, but, if we’re being honest, has anyone you know been converted because of a t-shirt?

Christian music is another culprit when it comes bad imitations.  While musicians such Sufjan Stevens and the boys of mewithoutYou are giving Christian music hope, there are still entirely too many bands out there trying to be the “Christian version” of insert-secular-band-here.  There is a bookstore at home that has a four-foot comparison chart in their music section.  If you’re a fan of nearly any “ungodly” musician, they have a “safe” alternative for you (Which makes you wonder, when did Christianity become synonymous with “safe,” anyway?).

What terrifies me is that some of my brothers and sisters genuinely question my salvation solely based on the fact that I don’t like Christian music (meaning Contemporary worship/Christian rock and the like. I’m a huge fan of old, old church music from pre-1900s).  It saddens me to think that there are those who do not even give a second thought to judging a person because they listen to secular music.  It also scares me to think that there are people out there who are willing to buy almost anything with the name of Jesus on it or just because the band may mention God once or twice.

It comes down to the question, “Why does creativity matter?” As Christians, we believe in a God who created the universe, who painted every sunrise and sunset since creation, who placed every star in the sky, and who gives us music itself. If we are, in fact, made in the image of God Himself, why are we just trying to copy the world? If we are truly made in His image and we are following Him with our entire being, where is our creativity?

Exercise creativity. If you feel that you are not a creative person, pray for creativity. Paint, dance, write a song,  play instruments, make a t-shirt. Consider worshiping God in a new way every day. Remember that each and every one of us are made in His image and He is the God of creativity.

I got my very first tattoo today. I kept putting off getting one when I had my refund check because I was waiting for Brittani to get home from Africa first. She was supposed to hold my hand through it. I ended up getting (almost but not quite) the same African symbol she had. It means remembering the past.

I miss her so much.

This whole thing is so unreal. I’m waiting for her to call me and be like “jk!” Ugh. Yesterday, during the service thing they had for her when everyone found out, I kept wanting to text her and be like “omg there are so many people here.” haha.  I have no idea who I’m going to tell all of my random things to now.

I feel like I have to be the strong one and be the mother or something. I don’t know what else to do.